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Felice Neundorff wrote:

Hi, guys —

I was raised Roman Catholic and have been living with a man for 16 years now.

We have one child together however he does not want to marry me. I am very scared as I am getting up in age and feel if we were to be married, God would forgive me. I love him and have been faithful to him.

  • Will living with him send me to Hell?

Thank you and God Bless.



  { Will living with an unmarried man who I have had a child with send me to Hell? }

John replied:

Dear Felice,

Having sexual relations with anyone outside of marriage, prior to marriage or anyone but your spouse when you marry, is objectively mortal sin and if you do it:

  1. with foreknowledge
  2. full intention of the will, and
  3. sufficient time to reflect upon what you are about to do

you are fully guilty of mortal sin and it could be the cause of your damnation if you don't repent and go to Confession.

Now only God can judge you. We can just tell you what objectively could happen. Ultimately, one is damned for eternity because they refuse God's Love and Mercy but you are asking the wrong question if you have to ask:

  • Will this send me to Hell?

There is something wrong with your understanding of what God intended for our own good.

Sex is a total act of self-giving or self-donation intended to be between man and wife so the two become one flesh.

  • So ask yourself, would you give this man your ATM card and the pin number?
  • Would he give you his ATM card and the pin number?
  • Would you put his name on every piece of real or personal property, and on every bank account?
  • Would he do the same for you?

If either one of you aren't willing to publicly exchange vows before God and ask God to be the center of your lives together in the Sacrament of Marriage then you shouldn't be having sex. Period. No matter what the circumstances are.

Were he to say, Yes, I'll marry you, that still means you don't have sex until you are married. Obviously, it sounds like you are still having it. Perhaps you didn't know or understand God's teaching on the subject. God certainly is not looking for a reason to send anyone to Hell but the question is:

  • Will you ask for forgiveness and accept it? . . . or
  • Will you continue in your actions until your heart hardens and you ultimately choose to reject God and choose Hell?

You see people choose to go to Hell. Hell is the last place God wants to send us.

We are all guilty of sin. That is why God has given us the gift of sacramental Confession. I suggest that's the first place for you to start if you have slept with this man and or others outside of Marriage.

Like the rest of us, you probably have more sins to confess. The Lord knows we all, including myself, need to go to Confession. so do go today! Talk to the priest/confessor. Tell him to help you it if you don't remember how to do it and don't worry about what you say.

  • Just go
  • Tell him how long it's been since you've been to Confession, and
  • he'll take it from there.

He may ask you questions to help you remember what sins you might have committed. Tell him whatever you can remember and God will indeed forgive you for everything you've committed — even the things you've forgotten — but you need to take that step to get right with God.

If you are having sex with this man, you're living in sin and you need to change what you're doing.


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