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Nadja wrote:

Hi, guys —

  1. If a man has sex with a woman before marriage; are women portrayed as
    "temptations from the devil" by men?
  2. Can a you be forgiven for having sex before marriage?
  3. Is sex before marriage a sin?

Nadja

  { Questions about sex before marriage and our relationship questions with God. }

Paul replied:

Dear Nadja,

Let's answer your three questions in the order you asked them:

  1. I'm not sure exactly what you're asking here, but with any temptation to sin, the devil might be involved. He is a liar and tempter and wants us to fall into sin.

  2. You can be forgiven for anything, including sex before marriage:
    • if you truly repent
    • are sincerely sorry (with a resolution to try never to do it again)
    • and seek God's forgiveness through the sacrament of Confession.

  3. Yes, sex before marriage, which is commonly known as fornication in the Bible,
    is objectively a serious sin. Do not be fooled by our culture that says it is not.

Paul

Nadja replied:

Hello, Paul —

Thank you very much for answering my questions.

I had a boyfriend who had a very religious family. He told them that we had sex and that he lost his virginity to me. I wasn't a virgin; I had sex with one other guy.

  • Does that make me a whore?

His family cut off communications between us and never want to see me near my boyfriend ever again.

  • Am I viewed as a temptation from the devil to my boyfriend?
  • Was this meant to happen to me?

The incident brought about a desire to believe in God and I went to church for a while.
I believe that God will show me the way to happiness again. I am truly sorry for what I did. I never knew it was wrong until now.

  • Is there a way to get your virginity back?

God bless you very much!

Thank you so much.

Sincerely,

Nadja

John replied:

Hi, Nadja —

Thank you for your question.

You are not a whore!

Like many other men and women, you gave into the temptation of sex. I'm not justifying the sin. Rather, I refer you to the words of Jesus spoken to the woman caught in adultery.

Go and sin no more. John 8:11

In your case, you didn't know that sex outside marriage was wrong, hence, your responsibility for the sin is less. If you are a Catholic, you should go to Confession (often called Reconciliation), confess your sins and receive absolution. If you are not Catholic, then simply ask God to forgive you and ask Him to give you the strength not to repeat the sin.

Above all, remember that God is always willing to forgive you. He wants nothing more then to spend time with you. He doesn't just love you from afar, He wants to dwell inside of you.
Instead of focusing on avoiding sin, try developing a relationship with God. Talk to him.
It doesn't need to be formal prayer. Just talk to Him as you would your friend or father; of course, listen too. He will talk back to you. You just need to learn to hear his voice speaking to you in your heart of hearts.

I hope this helps.

Under His Mercy,

John DiMascio

Nadja replied:

Hello, John —

Thank you very much. This web site is so great.

Thank you so much.

This is so helpful.

Nadja

John replied:

Your welcome Nadja.

One last thing. As I was rereading my answer I noticed I said:

Instead of focusing on avoiding sin, try developing a relationship with God.

I didn't mean to imply you should not avoid sin. What I was trying to say is that as you get closer to God, it will become easier to avoid sin. In other words, as we concentrate on positive actions and avoid negative actions, our behavior becomes the natural thing to do and we end up replacing vice with virtue.

God Bless. Stay in touch and let us know how you are doing. If you have any other questions,
or you need help finding a good church in your area, please feel free to contact us any time.

Under His Mercy,

John

Mary Ann replied:

Nadja,

I would like to add that, yes, there is a way to be a virgin again. To be a virgin physically is a sign that you belong to God alone (and to yourself and your family, of course).

You can renew your dedication to God and have a virgin heart and soul! It is purity of heart that allows us to see God. You might want to read some of Christopher West's Theology of the Body books, about the meaning of sex in God's plan. You will learn to value yourself as God values you, and learn the strength to be virginal until the day when you commit yourself wholeheartedly in marriage or in religious life.

Mary Ann

Nadja replied:

Hi, Mary Ann —

Thank you very much . : )

You are very helpful.

  • How do you know when you are closest to God?

Nadja

Eric replied:

Hi, Nadja —

That can be answered a lot of ways. I'd say one way to tell if you're closest to God is:

  • when you love what God loves and hate what God hates or,
  • when your desire is to know God intimately, and love him for who He is, and not for anything he does for you.

You are close to God when you desire Him above all things and nothing else matters.

Eric

Nadja replied:

Thank you again very much.

I've been doing great. I feel like I'm getting closer and closer to God everyday.
I'm so glad I came to this web site.

You guys have answered questions I always wanted answers to.

One last question:

  • How do you know when God is talking to you?

God bless you,

Nadja

Eric replied:

The answer is, you consult a spiritual director or spiritual father, and share with him everything you've allegedly heard from God and submit to his judgment.

A quick way to determine that it is not of God — but not a way to verify by yourself that it is of God — is to see if "God" tells you to do things that are not moral, righteous, or sensible.

It's also possible you have psychological problems. If your friends and loved ones express concern about your behavior, see a psychiatrist. Get enough sleep. Note anything dramatically different in your life or new behaviors on your part. Blue flashes in your eyes could be a sign of schizophrenia. It is very hard for someone with a psychological problem to realize it when they are in the midst of it so you need to rely on other people.

Eric

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